baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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*offers Batman cough drops*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*updates tinder bio*
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
🤣🤣🤣
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.