Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Gods work.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.