Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up