Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid