[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.