BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes