BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*