Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
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And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
incredible book dedication
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game