Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
What the hell is going on?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Simple enough.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?