“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

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My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’


Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too


It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.


People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.


There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.


*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon


Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?


It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.


I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life