“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.