Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Remember folks 😂
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire