Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
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Awwwww shit.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge