baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
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I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.