Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
no such thing as a dumb question
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.