“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
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Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.