baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
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god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
The news in a nutshell.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
me hitting on a model