“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
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noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I feel seen.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?