*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.