Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
next level snooze
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Breaking news:
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say