baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Ah..makes sense now
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
What number SPF blocks people?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Hard not to take this personally
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.