Baby rabbits馃惏 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that鈥檚 right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what鈥檇 he say
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fianc茅 for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I鈥檓 still dicing onions.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn鈥檛 stow thrones
Wife鈥檚 friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”