[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
LOL!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.