Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
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im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby