Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month