Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
how high up are we talkin’?
I know karate and tons of other words.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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