[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again