Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
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“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer