@Proxic0n

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

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@DrCephalopod

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

@impaulmccoy

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

@ilovepie84

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

@RodLacroix

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

@smallfatmonkey

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

@benedictsred

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

@Rollinintheseat

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

@AtticusFinch79

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

@Ideal_Victoria

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.