[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
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I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Aaaa…CHOO!
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.