ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku
OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[Baby trying to say first words]
Me: cmon son
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
You Might Also Like
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
I: About the test?
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.