BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Yup
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.