[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.