Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Best spoiler warning ever
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My apartment is a mess, I should move