Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
me: *checks dosage*
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison