Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
$4 #usedbooks
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Shortcut
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password