Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.