*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.