[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
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iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me