[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.