Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.