Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
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no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>