Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
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ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Become ungovernable.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!