Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…