[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
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Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related