Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Okay
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: