Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
this isn’t threatening at all
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.