Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The happy life.. 😊
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.