Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
tis the season
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go