back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
😂 amazing answer
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
#TopTip
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
me, too, girl. me, too.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting