Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.