Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off