Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
me when the borders lift
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?