Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.