Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours