Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
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When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
This is a whole mood;