Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

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interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok


Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”


I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.


The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”


2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.


Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit


If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.


Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter