Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting