@Cognitive_Diss

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

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@kieransofar

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

@the1652s

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

@TuffyNyC

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

@Kyle_Lippert

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

@KevinLSchwartz

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

@nnnatchos

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

@weinerdog4life

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

@VikingBut

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter