Guy- What’s your sign?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.
Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Things are finally coming to a head.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter